The step of the hedgehog
by malacoda
Summary: Bo's life changes drastically when depression takes over. But an encounter in her life will make her grow and rediscover life. Doccubus and others.
1. Chapter 1

**_It's been a long time, I know. In these months I received lots of messages from people who asked how I was doing and why I had left writing stories. I can't tell the full story, but I feel the need to give an explanation, at least to be coherent and just to myself._**  
 ** _I'm fighting a ugly, messy depression syndrome. And while many people helped me find some hope, the darkest abyss of my sould dragged me in a not-so-funny drug addition. So I asked myself "hey girl, how can you pretend to be fine if you don't even have the courage to admit to yourself what have you become? So I combined profit with pleasure and..here I am. I don't want to write the classical love story between a therapist and her patient, that's really far from reality. I'm trying to tell my story...well...some of my stories through this nice characters we learned to love. And maybe in this way I'll find peace. This story is a fictionalized version of my journey. And since I don't even know where I am now, I can't say when, how or if this is going to end. As always, a review is more than welcome. Doccubus, rated M for language, sex, and triggers._**

* * *

The first time it happened, she was playing soccer. She was smiling, laughing at her dorky friend Kenzi who was messing up in the penalty area, the area she was supposed to defend. Bo was laughing, that late summer evening, one of the usual nights she used to spend with her friends in a field. Just to forget, for one moment, everything. Just to focus, for an hour a week, on a ball; and not on her life.  
Bo shaked her head as she smiled. She looked over the other side of the green synthetic field. Then happened.

Who suffers from panic attacks knows this too well: the first time it happens you don't know what the fuck is going on. Your legs start to shake, your whole life collapses as your mind flies over the edges of saneness.  
As Bo's mental breakdown took over, she thought of an heart attack. Simple and clean. Well, Bo Dennis had always been a dramatic person, but at least she wasn't hypochondriacal...'till that night.

She bent over her knees to focus. Maybe it was just a sugar drop. But then, why on earth her brain was twisting in that way? Why was she so disoriented? Like a soul leaving the body. Everything she knew, everything she remember untill that day was gone. Every thought, every emotion. Her brain was leaving her. Bo Dennis was going mad.

"BoBo are you alright? You look like you found mr Hill's acids..."

Kenzi was standing there, now so close to Bo, who tried to understand where she was. "I'm sure that man is always on acids..." Kenzi laughed. But her best friend Bo wasn't. The brunette was helding her head with all the force she had, as if doing it would have prevented her brain from escaping. Now Kenzi wasn't smiling anymore. She put a hand over Bo's forehead, feeling the ice cold sweat soaking her own hand.

"BoBo!" she screamed before Bo could fall down, unconscious.

One month later

Bo Dennis hadn't been leaving home for a month now. Since the first panic attack, like a earthquake had hit, the foundation of her life were shaken and destroyed. Every certainty, everything she believed in ended that night, on that stupid soccer field. The panic attack not only allowed Bo to enter the fantastic world of mental illness and patologic anxiety. She totally forgot who she was before that blinding flash of pure fear. She wouldn't sleep, she wouldn't eat. She quitted smoking and drinking, as her anxiety took over and convinced her that she was about to die at any moment.

She had so many friends, now she was alone. Nobody exept Kenzi stayed for her, and that fed incessantly her mental complexes. But she had Kenzi and her family at least. She still could count on them. October was approaching, and Kenzi -as every early afternoon - went to check on her.

Bo had been loosing weight and her eyes showed mercilessy her lack of sleep. She tended to shake everytime her brain was about to do that thing where her mind left her body leaving her alone with all sorts of tragic thoughts.

Kenzi entered her room silently and sat on the mattress. Before speaking, she took a moment to fix Bo's messy hair.

"Your mom told me you lost your job BoBo..."

Bo smiled slightly. "It happens when you don't leave your room for a certain amount of time."

"I can't see you this way, you were a star! A beautiful, dazzling star! Better than Oprah!"

"Nobody's better than Oprah."

"Well, obvious..." Kenzi remarked, "but come on Bobo, look at you! You haven't left this place for a month now, how long will you last in this state?"

Bo shruggred and gave her a flebile -yet painfully beautiful- smile. "Forever?"

Kenzi snorted and hit her head with a rolled up magazine. "I won't leave you rotting here, you're my sistah! My beautiful friend who distracts the ladies from the guys I like!"

Bo laughed and cried at the same time. "I don't know what to do, Kenz. I feel like I'm..."

"Dying? Oh, you will die if you don't listen to me, BobaFett..." Kenzì said in a serious tone. "You know what you have to do. You have postponed for too long."

"Kenz, I'm not going to see a shrink."

But Kenzi didn't listen. She handled her an envelope of clean clothes. "I'll pick you up tomorrow, appointment at 11.00"

Bo looked at her confused. "W-what..." But before she could ask anything Kenzi was fleeing, screaming from the stairs.

"And wash your hair BoBo!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, thank you for your PMs and the reviews. A short chapter because I'm in the middle of something, I hope to write much more in the future. Thank you as always for your support. Be safe and have a great new Year.**

It was morning, and god, Bo wanted to go home. But that was the right choice. Her mom was sitting silently in the from seat, her uncle was driving. Bo never knew, and never asked, why her uncle was with them that day. But she was greatful for this, as her mom was so strangely silent, keeping her face straight and reassuring like every mom does. Bo loved her in that moment, but she was aware of the great effort her mother was making to not show her concern.  
The car parked and Bo felt pain. She was about to vomit, the brunette was sure of this. But instead of falling on her knees and cry like a baby who doesn't want to go to school, she swallowed her urges and acted like the grown woman she was...if at twenty-two years old you can call yourself " _an adult"._  
Her uncle waited patiently in the car, while her mom accompanied her to the main door of a family counseling center. Bo adjusted her jacket before entering, and after the first step everything felt strangely peaceful. The centre was little but comfortable. A door on the right lead to the reception, the two doors on the left - Bo thought - were the offices. A little plate on one of the doors said _psychologist._

"That must be my place..." Bo muttered, listening absently to her mother talking with an old lady. And that old lady should have been her therapist, judging by the warm smile she directed to Bo.

"Hello Bo, I'm doctor Grend, will you wait for me in this room please?"

Bo couldn't remember her actions in that situation, everything was so impalpable and surreal. Every strenght in her veins was gone and she limited herself to sit on a leather chair in the little office, hoping to not be followed by her mother. Bo wanted to do this by herself. She needed it.

As doctor Grend stayed for a moment outside, probably asking things to Bo's mother, the brunette let out a breath of relief, calming her nerves a little. Yes, she would have been alone.

Well, not exactly.

Because on the other side of the desk, sitting in a corner, there was another doctor. Much younger and pretty of course. A blonde, skinny woman, with hazel eyes and a concerned look on her face. She held a notepad on her lap as she tried to smile to Bo -who haven't noticed her until that moment.

Bo gave her a shy, puppy look, trying to hide her injuried knuckles. "Hello..."

The blonde doctor smiled, pretending not to have seen Bo's previous move. "Hello"

Silence again, and oh, Bo hated silence. She cleared her troath and looked around. That doctor was looking at her, analyzing every single move she made. The blonde displayed no emotions, as she sat on her chair calm and elegant. And Bo hated her in that moment. She wasn't a damn specimen.

"So...", Bo said hoping that doctor Grend would be there soon, "Are you something like...uhm, an assistant?"

The woman smiled lightly. "No, I'm a doctor here. A psychologist, to make it clear."

Bo nodded and raised her eyebrow. _Stop doing that Bo, stop acting like a damn arrogant brat._

"I tell you this just to make the roles clear", added the doctor. Did she offended the doctor? _Good call Bo, a nice job as always._

"Okay Bo", doctor Grend announced as she closed the door behind her. She sat behind the wooden desk and smiled to Bo. "I'm doctor Grend and she's my colleague doctor Lewis. Why don't you tell us something about yourself?"

Three hours later, Bo felt drained. How can a simple question open the gates of hell? In a hour and half, Bo told everything about how she felt. Every symptom, every sensation that led her to pure madness. Doctor Grend reassured her, almost joking about Bo's ability to describe every sign of her hillness and her total inability to speak about her life. Because during the whole time of what she would then have undestood to be an acceptance visit, Bo didn't talk much about her life.  
Well, she did tell a little of her daily routine, but yet _that_ was nothing compared to the monsters she had to fight all along.  
When the brunette finally stopped crying it was time to say goodbye, at least for that day. Doctor Grend had decided to take Bo under her cures, and that was all Bo was willing to know for now. On the other part, that young doctor, that Lewis girl, didn't speak at all during the meeting. She kept writing and writing, going on Bo's nerves because of her adamant and emotionless attitude. Bo was sure that the blonde had filled at least six pages...of what? She was curious, and a little bit annoyed. In the end it was her right to know. But, Bo thought eventually, that was part of the work. Maybe she was just helping doctor Grend, and _maybe_ it was none of Bo's business.

Bo breathed a sigh of relief as she came out of the shower and waited in the dark of her bathroom. It was a sort of habit she had adopted in the last months, to just stay silent and naked in the dark, letting the drops of water follow their course on her body marked by scars and a kind of old age that should not have been thereat that age. She was completing her little intimate moment when somebody knocked on the door.

"Bobalicious, are you playing with yourself in there?", Kenzi asked cautioulsly.

Bo laughed at the question. "Yeah, you wish..."

" _You_ wish BoBo. Come on hurry up. You have to tell me everything. _Everything."_

Bo sighed and smiled. She took a towel that she wrapped clumsily around her body and went to her bedroom, where the young friend was waiting for her.

The brunette rummage in her closet to find some clean clothes as her friend jumped on the bed, eating a snack.

"I swear Kenz, I don't know how you can eat all that shit without getting fat."

Kenzi chewed with little gallantry and raised her finger. "That's because lately you don't know what food is anymore. Wanna some?"

Bo snorted as she put on a shirt. "No thanks. I'm fine."

"Yes you are indeed, my inconsistent friend. "You look better! Did they filled you up with medicines already?"

Bo sighed and gave Kenzi a skeptical look. "I'm not going to take that crap, Kenz. But it was fine, actually. It helped a lot."

"Did you cry?"

"The whole time", Bo laughed. "I lost the last crumb of dignity in that place."

Kenzi started to play with Bo's brushes. "Believe me, Bo. You lost it on New Year 2010. I think we will never forget about you riding a cow."

"Oh well, nobody will."

"Neither the cow..."

They burst into laughing like when they were kids, and everything was light-hearted. "I'm happy you finally decided to see a shrink, BoBo. I've told you for years that your little brain should have been donated to some science museum."

Bo raised her eyebrow. "Thanks, Kenz."

"Come on, you know what I mean. I miss you. And I miss us. We are some sort of gang. A two-people-gang."

Bo hugged her friend. Actually, she kinda wrapped her since the the notable difference in height between the two. "I'll be fine, Kenz. Everything's gonna be fine."

And for the first time, she meant it.

 ** _-One week later-  
_**

The schedule expected one visit per week, and Bo looked forward to start this new journey. Doctor Grend seemed a good person, capable of reassuring even the most nervous person in the world. And, god, Bo was hella nervous.

She left her car in a parking lot near the centre, smelling the fresh scent of winter tickling her nose. She loved those mornings. She missed them.  
As she approached the parking exit, a car approached and parked a few steps away from her, the muffled noise of a rock song coming from the inside. Bo smiled before recognizing the thin figure of doctor Lewis, and with pleasant surprise Bo noticed that the woman was a music connoisseur.

She smiled, but abruptly stopped when she noticed that she was actually staring at her. And the doctor must have noticed that too, since she left her car with a bright smile and went in Bo's direction.  
Bo went of full red as the doctor passed by leaving a calm "Goodmorning" behind her as she walked down the street. Bo had to sigh at her clumsiness. It wasn't her fault after all. She loved to observe people, whoever they were men, women, old or young. She was an artist after all, and everything she saw and lived was only the outline of a painting she needed to make in order to come to terms with life and feel peace.

Bo looked at her wristwatch. Five minutes to her appointment. Her look went then to her hands. The signs of the punches pulled on the wall in her sleep were almost gone, but the many microscopic scars on the back of the hand were fresh and well visible thanks to the redness of the cold.

 _"A nice way to start your journey, Bo. Simply broken."_


End file.
